


Don't think I can (ever learn how to love you right)

by Alecto



Series: Fictober 2019 [10]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Drunken Confessions, Fictober 2019, Heavy Drinking, M/M, Post-Canon, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-18 12:30:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21760936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alecto/pseuds/Alecto
Summary: Truth be told, their secret relationship had been under strain for months. What happened at Pegasus’s tournament may be the last straw.
Relationships: Jounouchi Katsuya | Joey Wheeler/Kaiba Seto
Series: Fictober 2019 [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1529003
Comments: 8
Kudos: 105





	1. All the ways you won't bend are the only ways I live my life

**Author's Note:**

> Fictober Day 18 prompt: “Secrets? I love secrets.”

Pegasus had outdone himself on this party. He needed to. There was no margin for error when celebrating the 15th anniversary of Duel Monsters’ launch. Every duelist of note was in attendance, even if they hadn’t taken part in the proceeding invitational tournament. 

Kaiba found it impossible to enjoy the party. The constant background hum of conversation prickled across the back of his neck. The live band serenaded the room with soft instrumental music, but they could as well have blasted obnoxious EDM over the speakers given how the music grated his nerves. For once, the man throwing the party was not chief among his headaches.

The day had been long, but it looked like the night might drag on worse. Pressure had been building in his temples since early evening after a simple yet damning message landed on his phone. 

_We’re done._

With hands clenched like claws, he bought his tumbler of whiskey to his lips. He scanned the crowd as he drank. Still no sign of his target. The thirteen messages he’d sent in return were left on “read.” 

Jounouchi was avoiding him.

But he spotted Yuugi, surrounded by a gaggle of people no doubt kissing his ass for winning the tournament. Mutou Yuugi, still virtually undefeated at the age of 22—it was enough to send Kaiba’s blood pressure skyrocketing if not for his other more pressing issue. He drained the rest of his glass and dropped it on a passing waiter’s tray. 

Yuugi’s worshipers parted like the Red Sea when he neared. 

“Yuugi, where’s Jounouchi?” he barked. 

Yuugi startled at the sudden command, eyes widening before narrowing again in anger. Even his lips twisted into an unhappy frown. “I think you’ve said enough to Jounouchi-kun today.”

He folded his arms across his chest and fought the urge to lean against a nearby table. The whiskey sat hot and heavy in his gut. “It was nothing the deadbeat hasn’t heard before. I never took him for someone so thin-skinned.”

“True, but it really hurt his feelings.”

He schooled his features blank, showing no hint of the sudden twinge in his chest. “Is he here or not?”

Yuugi bit his lower lip, but his eyes unconsciously darted toward the fleet of French doors thrown open to the terrace outside. That was all the answer Kaiba needed.

“Kaiba-kun, you should apologize to him,” Yuugi called after him.

More guests congregated on the stonework terrace lit by moonlight and lantern light. Cigar smoke billowed over from a group of smoking men to his left. But he spotted a flash of gold behind them, half-concealed in the giant shadows cast by Pegasus’ garden hedges. A lone figure clad in a rumpled suit leaned against the terrace’s edge with the embers of a half-smoked cigarette pinched between his fingers. Kaiba smoothed his jacket before approaching.

Jounouchi wouldn’t look at him. He stared determinedly into the dark garden. 

Kaiba cleared his throat sharply. “Jounouchi.”

“I got nothing to say to you, Kaiba.” Jounouchi hunched forward and braced the balustrade. He sounded tired. 

“No, you need to explain yourself.” 

Over the damning silence between them, a new sound rushed in Kaiba’s ears. It was his heartbeat, he belatedly realized. 

“Didn’t you read my text? It’s pretty self-explanatory.”

His stomach plummeted. Maybe drinking that much whiskey on an empty stomach wasn’t his greatest idea. He stepped closer, using his taller frame to shield them from others’ sights. “You’re being ridiculous. You should know better than to take what I said during our duel to heart.”

Jounouchi finally looked up, his entire face overtaken by an unhappy expression. “You’re a real asshole.”

Gritting his teeth, he pressed closer. “You didn’t pull your punches either, Jounouchi. You agreed with me. This is how the public knows us. This is how they see us. We invite unnecessary scrutiny if we were to act otherwise.”

“And I was an idiot for going along with it! Not anymore!” Jounouchi snapped and shoved him back.

He glanced over his shoulder and saw several sets of curious eyes turning in their direction. “Quiet,” he hissed. “You’re making a scene.”

Jounouchi’s eyes flashed in the dim light. “ _This_ is exactly what I was talking about. I’m tired of being your dirty little secret.”

Though Jounouchi no longer shouted, every word rang louder than gunshots to Kaiba. He recoiled as if Jounouchi had physically struck him. His mind raced like a roller-coaster. Like a car spinning out of control after hitting a patch of black ice. The whispered hush of the growing audience behind them held his thoughts hostage though. The words he wanted to say—should say were glued to the roof of his mouth and cemented under his tongue.

“Ooooooh, secrets? I love secrets,” a familiar, lilting voice sing-sang behind them.

Pegasus, as ageless and as flamboyant as ever, waltzed onto the scene. If Kaiba wasn’t still busy processing Jounouchi’s words, he would tell the man to fuck off. Instead, he remained frozen as Pegasus launched into some ridiculous story about Funny Rabbit’s antics when trying to keep his misdeeds a secret from Bulldog Policeman. The small crowd listened politely as Pegasus wove his tale.

Meanwhile, Jounouchi finished his cigarette without even looking in his direction. Soon all that remained of him was the cigarette butt and ash smeared across the balustrade. His absence cut a dark hole in the world's fabric where there once was light. 

“Well, Kaiba-boy, that was some firework display you had with Jounouchi-boy,” Pegasus said from right next to him.

He swept his gaze across the terrace and found that the various guests had returned to whatever conversations they were having before he and Jounouchi started fighting. He curled his hands into fists. He hated the feeling of anyone doing him a favor, especially Pegasus J. Crawford. 

He cast a sharp glare at Pegasus and snarled, “Give the disgusting nicknames a rest. We’re all adults.”

“Oh, are we?” Pegasus asked with a mocking smile curling his lips. “Honestly, it’s difficult to tell when you insult your peers with schoolyard taunts.” Then he leaned even closer, and Kaiba flinched back. Even without that fucking Millennium Eye, Pegasus still wielded his disquieting one-eyed gaze like a weapon that could sever a man’s soul from his body. “Given your behavior, you can't blame Jounouchi-boy for calling off your affair.”

Kaiba gaped. “What? How?” Then a tide of rage surged inside him. “Have you been spying on us? I swear to—“

Pegasus laughed, its sound as twinkling as the rest of his voice. “Come on, Kaiba-boy. I have eyes. Well, I have one. But it sometimes sees all too well.”

Kaiba’s shame and outrage warred with each other. Most of all, he was beyond mortified that Pegasus of all people had seen through his and Jounouchi’s relationship when not even Mutou fucking Yuugi had noticed. 

“Do you want to know what else I see, Kaiba-boy? You alone, all because of your pride. All because you let your fears dictate your actions.” Pegasus’s voice had lost its usual melodious cadence. His words were spoken as plain as truth carved in stone.

Kaiba shook his head. “I’m not afraid.”

Pegasus smiled sadly, seeing through all the lies Kaiba told himself and others. “You’re luckier than you can ever know, Kaiba-boy. I lost Cyndia while we were still young. The lengths to which I went to get her back were reckless. I didn't care who I had to hurt to achieve that goal. You should know. You experienced it first-hand."

Kaiba flinched. He didn't remember much of his "imprisonment" during Duelist Kingdom, but the violation still grated him all these years later. But they had both done things they shouldn't have in the name of saving what was important to them. Kaiba knew better than anyone that he was not blameless. 

His gaze drifted back to the streak of tobacco ash painted across the white limestone. "Enough. I'm not in the mood for your rambling."

"My point is this, Kaiba-boy. One day, whether a result of your action or someone else’s, he may no longer be a part of your life. Death is not always the final division. People's hearts can change. Love and the soul wither alike without nourishment,”—Pegasus clutched a hand to his heart as dramatic emphasis, and Kaiba fought the urge to roll his eyes—“What will you do then? Would you regret it too late? Could you even accept it? I shudder to think what a man like yourself may resort to. So really, I ask you to consider the following for all our sakes. Wouldn’t it be better to accept what is within your control?”

After a friendly clasp of Kaiba’s shoulders that he was too shocked to throw off, Pegasus left him to his many buzzing thoughts and fears.


	2. I think I'm better off on my own but I get so lost in you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fictober Day 19 prompt: “Yes, I admit it, you were right.”

“Another,” Kaiba snapped at the bartender. But she lingered behind the bar with confusion painted across her face. He tried again. This time in English because he was stuck far from home in this miserable excuse of a country. “Another whiskey, neat.”

For a moment, it looked like she might refuse. Kaiba wasn’t surprised but his hackles rose. He knew what sort of picture he painted: a brooding man slouched over the bar, demanding his third drink as a dark cloud hung over him. But if Pegasus provided an open bar for his miserable party, Kaiba would try his best to help drink that bastard out of house and home. Eventually, she sighed and moved to obey, exchanging his empty glass with a new full one. 

He instantly regretted his choice when he gazed in the amber depths of his drink. He shoved the glass away and sloshed its content across the marble counter-top. “I changed my mind. Gin and tonic.”

He was drinking only clear spirits from here on out.

With a huff and a roll of her eyes, the bartender prepared and gave him his new order before flouncing over to the guests clustered at the other end of the bar. Everyone seemed to give Kaiba a wide breadth. 

Good, he thought to himself with a snarl. Being alone suited him fine. No one to talk his ear off with nonsense bullshit. No one to disturb his concentration at the critical junctures of his work. No one to nag him about his health or share in his vices. No one to smooth a hand through his hair or warm his bed at night. He needed none of that.

But that didn’t change how much he wanted them. How he craved and coveted them despite his better judgment. 

He slammed the now empty glass on the coaster. Two partygoers, a couple who had drifted too close, jumped and hurried away. 

When he tried to order his next drink, the bartender shook her head. “I’m sorry, but Mister Crawford said to cut you off.” 

“How dare he.” He lurched to his feet and stalked away. 

After three drinks in quick succession, the world had grown soft around the edges. Empty stomach or not, it would take more than three measly drinks to down him. Kaiba prowled through Pegasus’ stupidly ostentatious party in search of his prey. He stormed right through the middle of friend groups and conversations, scattering them like flocks of birds. Finally, he spotted both the source of his ire and the source of his dark mood standing together near a garish column. Jounouchi had his back turned to Kaiba, so he never saw him approach. Pegasus smirked at him over the defensive set of Jounouchi’s broad shoulders.

“Hello, Kaiba-boy,” Pegasus greeted with a trill.

If possible, Jounouchi’s shoulders tensed even more. Much to Kaiba’s frustration, he wouldn’t look at him. He stopped a half-step behind Jounouchi, admittedly closer than he should have given the fact they were “done.” But Kaiba had never been one to observe social niceties and other banal norms. He could smell the cigarette smoke clinging to Jounouchi’s clothes. Usually, the scent disgusted him. Now it was almost comforting in its familiarity. He wanted to bury his nose in Jounouchi’s hair and breathe him like when they curled together in bed.

“What the hell are you planning?” Kaiba gritted between gnashed teeth. 

Pegasus widened his eyes in a caricature of innocence with one hand pressed to his cravat while the other gripped a glass of red wine. “Moi? Nothing so devious that you should be concerned. I was telling Jounouchi-boy here how much I enjoyed his performance in my tournament. He certainly has come a very long way. Wouldn’t you agree, Kaiba-boy?”

Jounouchi’s prowess at Duel Monsters could no longer be disputed. He left behind his status of “loser” and “deadbeat” long ago. Now he was surpassed only by Yuugi and Kaiba himself. If Jounouchi’s concentration hadn’t been split maintaining their charade of a one-sided rivalry, he would have defeated Kaiba in their earlier duel. It wouldn’t be the first time either. Jounouchi had won a number of unranked duels played in the privacy of Kaiba’s home.

“Yes,” he admitted plainly. “He never hands me my victory readily.”

Jounouchi whipped his head around to stare at Kaiba with parted lips and wide eyes. 

Kaiba wondered if Jounouchi would punch him if he leaned in and claimed a kiss. 

Probably. 

Most definitely yes.

“Excellent. Did you hear that? A compliment from Kaiba-boy!” Pegasus beamed.

Jounouchi narrowed his eyes and thinned his lips before snapping, “If that was a compliment, then I’m the freakin’ King of Games. Whaddaya want, Kaiba? Don’t you have an orphanage somewhere to demolish or something?”

The verbal blow went straight for the jugular, and Kaiba’s anger flared up automatically. Jounouchi’s keigo always grew sloppier in direct relation to his emotional state. More than once in the past, Kaiba had lectured him on how easily it gave away his feelings. Each time, Jounouchi would snarl that Kaiba should “keep his stupid, snotty opinions to himself.”

They always did this: sniping back and forth, regardless of the collateral damage they wrought. The more intimate they grew, the more effective they got at the exercise. Kaiba had always suspected—recognized it for the maladaptive coping mechanism it was. It was no wonder they never grew. It was no surprise they’d ended up where they stood today. 

“Jounouchi. Yes, I admit it, you were right. This—” he swallowed thickly. His tongue was a clumsy, leaden weight inside his mouth. “I haven’t been fair to you.”

He was keenly aware of their audience of one: a silent but faintly amused Pegasus watching them over the rim of his wineglass. But if tonight was really the end, Kaiba would say all the things he’d swallowed back over the weeks and months. Everything that he swapped and replaced to build a spiked wall between them. If they ended here, it wouldn’t be with Jounouchi thinking him a coward.

“You’re drunk,” accused Jounouchi. 

He laughed. “Maybe, but it doesn’t make the truth any less true. I’m not ashamed of you, Jounouchi. Maybe at first, but not anymore. I don’t care what other people say or think. I never have.”

Jounouchi crossed his arms over his chest and took one step back. His gaze flicked briefly to Pegasus before he screwed his courage and plunged recklessly headfirst. “Then why all the song and dance, Kaiba? If you’re not ashamed of being seen with me, why pretend?”

 _Why hurt me?_ Jounouchi’s dark gaze asked.

Because as soon as they named this unspoken thing between them, Kaiba will have given in. The moment they acknowledged “them,” he will have lost. He just never imagined he’d find himself in the position to care enough and miss “them” after it was gone. To grasp at the ashes of what was theirs.

Hindsight was a bitch with 20/20 vision. 

“Because I’m afraid,” he muttered. But both men plainly heard him, judging by Pegasus’ hum of approval and Jounouchi’s gasp. “I’m afraid of how this might change me. Some days I look in the mirror and I don’t know who _I_ am or what I value. The status quo is pleasant enough. I see no reason to disturb it.”

Jounouchi’s calloused fingers unfurled his white-knuckled fists. “That doesn’t sound like you at all, Kaiba.”

“Exactly. I fear I’ve already changed irreparably.”

Jounouchi snorted. His warmth drew close, and Kaiba instinctively leaned into it. “God, you gotta use such big words even when you’re hammered.”

“Not hammered,” he protested. “Tipsy, maybe. Inebriated, yes.”

“There you go again proving my point.”

He hummed. The alcohol flowing through his veins dampened the rest of the world and made its chatter somehow manageable. Or maybe it was the small bubble that now enveloped them. Jounouchi slowly traced every digit on Kaiba’s right hand, from their tips to joints to the web in-between. Kaiba curled his tongue against his teeth, recalling the feel and taste of Jounouchi’s scarred knuckles. He considered giving into the wild fancy of taking a hand and pressing a kiss to each storied knot. 

Okay. Maybe he was drunk. He'd already dug his grave. Pegasus had already seen him at his lowest, having personally delivered him to a low point more than once. 

“I shouldn’t have brought up your father earlier,” he muttered. “Or your sister. I was cruel.”

Jounouchi froze, and the reassuring caresses came to a halt. Kaiba waited for him to step back and walk away for good. It would have been justified. 

Jounouchi took a deep, shuddering breath and curled his fingers gently around Kaiba’s wrist. “Well, it’s not like I was better when I talked smack how you used to treat Mokuba. So let’s call us even?”

Even. Neither had apologized. Not really. They never did with each other. That was the problem, wasn’t it?

Kaiba squeezed his eyes shut and took the plunge. “I’m sorry.” The words were so quiet that he didn’t know if he actually voiced them.

Jounouchi’s grip tightened, then loosened on his next exhale. “Me too.”

A weight lifted from his shoulders. The words did not make everything magically okay, but it was better than not trying at all. He sighed and resigned himself to the receiving end of Pegasus’ smug faux-paternalism, but it never came. He craned his head, finally noticing that the man had vacated his earlier spot. 

Sensing his confusion, Jounouchi explained, “He walked off a bit ago. I think you admitting to being afraid was enough to get his rocks off.”

Kaiba gave a full-bodied cringe. “You’re disgusting.” 

Yet he slumped his full weight against Jounouchi’s strong frame. Jounouchi brought one arm across his waist to support him. His hand clasped the small of Kaiba’s back, smoothing the wrinkled folds of his suit jacket. A fragile yearning unfurled in his chest. Kaiba breathed deep, drinking in the dark scent of tobacco. Did he dare to hope? Jounouchi’s face swam in his vision, soft down-turned lips and conflicted eyes. The look didn’t suit him. Not like his smiles. Not like when his eyes glowed under the moonlight that filtered through Kaiba’s curtains.

“Jounouchi, I would like to kiss you.”

Surprise flashed across his face. It was edged out by old suspicions and hurts, but a familiar challenge lit his eyes. “Other people might see.”

“I don’t care.” He slanted his head and ghosted his lips across Jounouchi’s temple. When Jounouchi didn’t pull away, he cupped his cheek with a trembling hand. “Say no now if this isn’t what you want. I won’t give you any further notice.”

Jounouchi answered with fingers threading through his hair and chapped lips claiming his. Kaiba crushed Jounouchi to his chest, choosing to drown in everything he felt for this man. His fears and the rest of the world fell away.


End file.
